That’s How you Hit Bottom
A story Accompanied by Queen’s Hits
Sam reads the message, “Each evening spent with you, hon, I’m gonna drop my stinking socks on the table in the kitchen, preferably right next to romantic candles and wine glasses! Kisses!”
How do you hit bottom as a couple?
Samantha strides to the teachers’ room with a wide grin on her face. The last class on the last summer English language course she ran this year. Real holidays at last! Putting away the books and CDs on the shelf, she relishes the excitement of her future. The end of the course means the beginning of another attempt at a big metamorphosis in her life. Yes, finally, the time has come to take the steering wheel into her own hands and drive all the way up to the skies. One aspect of the planned change is her body. Sam’s only 27 and plump already, and getting chubbier and chubbier day by day. That’s what inevitably follows when you develop a soft spot for doughnuts of all types, shapes and sizes. However, in the back of her mind a voice whispers persistently that it’s high time to take a grip on herself as there are some kids waiting somewhere for her to be delivered into this world, so such body weight is definitely not the ideal one to start with. Right.
Samantha wonders how to go back home. She can take a bus or just walk. The strolling option is undoubtedly more in line with the big goal and, besides, she’s forgotten her wallet, so has no money to buy a ticket. After a sunny beam and cheerful “Have a nice holiday and goodbye!” tossed at other less lucky teachers, the young woman leaves the building putting headphones on. “I want to break free!” blasts into her ears. Placing a hand in her baggy dress pocket she feels some change. Surprised by the discovery, she counts the coins. Yes! The exact amount for the bus ride home. Now the lucky girl can take a bus! Hurrah!
The fortune keeps on smiling on Samantha since as soon as she reaches the stop, the bus arrives. Perfect timing! The world is wonderful, life worth living! Sam hops on the bus humming “It’s a kind of magic” which has just begun. Once on board, she races with some insufferable kids to the only seat left free. Spurred by the lyrics “One dream, one soul, one prize, one goal,” she manages to reach the destination first landing heavily with an impressive boom! Upon checking the track list a grin flashes triumphantly on her face. Yes! “We Are the Champions” is the next to come!
The champion’s bliss gets interrupted by the signal of a short message though. Oh, that’s Harry, her boyfriend. Right off Samantha registers the fact that a few weeks ago such a message would bring a warm smile and pleasant tickling around the stomach area. Now all she feels is tension and a kind of impatience combined with irritation as her favourite song gets interrupted so abruptly. Well, priorities do shift, especially when you enter this second stage of a relationship. The champagne in their brains kept them intoxicated for several unforgettable months, making them blind to their vices. Once it evaporated, the vision’s improved considerably.
One beautiful day, upon stumbling over a pair of them, Samantha noticed Harry’s bad habit of throwing his dirty socks all over the bedroom, on the floor! How could he be so disgusting? These ridiculous socks turned out a real breakthrough in their relationship as they broke through the dame freeing a waterfall of accusations. Sam burst and called Harry a scruffy little pig! The lover fell speechless at first, but instead of crying and begging for forgiveness, he retaliated by enumerating her weak points that had turned his life into a nightmare! Absent-mindedness on top of everything! At first he considered it absolutely charming, but after Miss Cutie lost their flat and, next, car keys, he changed his mind. It wasn’t only a real pain in the ass, it simply posed a thousand of threats to all people around her! In fury he even shouted to her face that she should seriously consider giving up the idea of having children. Ever!
Samantha only exploded with loud laughter, mainly to drown out the sound of her heart cracking. Absent-mindedness! Such a trifle! She could easily handle this little flaw of hers. So Harry challenged her, “Stay present for a month and no dirty socks in the bedroom, or anywhere else inappropriate at home!” A month? Easy peasy! A week has passed already and she’s managed to hide away from him some minor occurrences, like her visa card that’s just vanished mysteriously. So far so good.
Samantha reads the message from Harry. He’s already waiting for her at the door (they still have only one house key, as Sam’s responsible for duplicating it as a sort of absurd punishment), so he asks if she happens to remember about taking him to the speedway match today. Of course she doesn’t, but breathes steadily, content that she’s eventually decided on this goddamned bus. Otherwise she’d reach home way too late leading to an irreparable damage to her image or, at worst, to her tragic death of strangling as Harry’s nuts about speedway! Sam replies promptly, “Sure I do remember! I’m on my way!” and, to lift her spirits immediately, takes out from bag a huge doughnut in the shape of a giraffe. “A giraffe? That’s a novelty!” she gushes. Three bites and it’s gone. “Another one bites the dust” sounds in the headphones.
Sam jumps off the bus and runs to her block of apartments, gets into an elevator and reaches the third floor. Next she takes a deep breath and gets out. Seeing Harry waiting impatiently, the woman assumes the sweetest beam ever to greet him, feeling all her pockets for the house key. To her puzzlement, the only object she eventually takes out is the… car key, but where’s the house key and why the heck she’s got the key to the car? Suddenly, it dawns on her why.
Harry looks at her sternly, “What now? Have you lost the only house key we’ve got?”
The suspect responds slowly striving desperately to come up with another bullshit, but under such pressure her mind goes completely blank, “No, no. It’s in the car!”
Harry sighs with relief, “Alright, so let’s go downstairs and get it!”
“Well, Harry, the problem is that the car’s not outside our block.”
“Oh, could you please stop playing hide and seek? Where is it then?”
“In the parking lot… near my language school.”
Harry’s face reddens, “What? You went to work by car and came back home by bus? Oh, c’mmon! Don’t you dare to tell me THAT!”
“I won’t then!” Sam throws over her shoulder, already running to the elevator, out of Harry’s reach. Next the culprit remembers that her wallet is locked in the house and the only change she found in her pocket has already been spent! Goddammit, she has to take a walk then. Putting on the headphones again, the woman giggles hysterically under her breath, “Ha! They say you can’t have it all, but I can, apparently. I wondered what transport to use and voila! I have it all: a bus ride, a stroll and a car drive as a bonus track!” A new song begins:
“I want it all, I want it all, I want it all, I want it now!”
The music gets interrupted.
Sam reads the message, “Each evening spent with you, hon, I’m gonna drop my stinking socks on the table in the kitchen, preferably right next to romantic candles and wine glasses! Kisses!”
That’s how you hit bottom as a couple.
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